Break the stereotype!

“As women, we must stand up for ourselves, for each other, for justice, for all” –Michelle Obama

Women empowerment and feminism are much talked about issues today. Increased literacy and financial independence has given most women the confidence to take their own decisions and build their own identity. Today, we can observe women excelling in all fields – no one can forget the stars of RIO Olympics giving us new role models in the form of P.V. Sindhu, Sakshi Malik and Dipa Karmakar. While it is true that we do observe some positive changes in the society and the patriarchal system is gradually eroding, there are still many prevalent stereotypes about women that need to be broken. Only that would mean women empowerment in its truest sense.

Having grown up in a metro city, studied in a girls’ school and worked in organizations with no gender discrimination, at a personal and professional level, I have not faced any major challenges from a gender equality perspective. But when you look around at the society and your kin, on occasions more than one, we observe that the society always places men on a higher pedestal compared to women, and trust me, even today! This society has created so many pigeonholes which are accepted by even most of the women around us. Let’s start with some uninvited advice which most girls would have heard, either for themselves or others:

• Women should get married by the age of 25, or they would be left with prospective grooms who are too old for them. Seriously, like every guy who is more than 25-years-old is only going to marry a girl who is much younger to him? It does not really matter. One should only get married when one feels it is the right time to do so.

• Girls shouldn’t study so much. It would only make it difficult to find a guy who is compatible and equally qualified. So, it is okay for a woman to be less qualified than a man, but if it is the other way round, not acceptable? Not many guys have a problem with that. But these are pre-conceived notions of the patriarchal society about male ego. I have been lucky enough to have parents who have always supported my education over anything else; but not many girls are that lucky and they tend to compromise.

• Women should be mindful about their job timings, you cannot expect your in-laws to ‘allow’ you to work for such long hours. Choose another profession / job instead. Allow? – Here is where the problem lies. Nobody should be given the right to control your life and your decisions. Feel free to choose a profession that you like, irrespective of what it requires, if you think you can do it. And women who settle for a less satisfying job with better work hours, just so they can keep everyone happy, please stop doing so. Instead, it is high time you start giving importance to your own happiness and make people around understand that this is what you really want.

• The guy and his family are well to do, why does the girl need to work after marriage? The biggest misconception that needs to be cleared for many people – Girls can work out of ambition and choice, and not just for the sake of earning bread for their families. There is absolutely nothing wrong in both, husband and wife, to chase their dreams and make a career of their own.

• Women should know how to cook. This one I can agree with if the logic behind is if you happen to live independently someday, knowing basic cooking would be useful. Every person should learn it (including guys) by that logic. But asking someone (may it be your daughter/sister etc.), just because she is a girl and you think it’s a must because all women should be home makers someday, that is really not acceptable. Similarly, if a man is good at cooking, no big deal should be made out of that. 

• Real men drink, nice girls don’t. I am not even commenting on this one. It’s just too funny as well as disheartening how society can have different perceptions for different genders for the same activity. Such double standards need to be eliminated.

• Brothers can hang out till late, sisters can’t. I know it is more about safety and parents have all the right to feel protective about their children. But it is also unsafe for guys at multiple occasions and when you can trust his friends and allow him to reach home late, you should also give some benefit of doubt and freedom of choice to your daughter when you know her friends well and know they will drop her home safely.

There are so many more examples that show our society needs a paradigm shift in it’s approach and outlook. Even today, why is raising a child still considered as a woman’s responsibility only? There are many families, where only the professional career of a woman is affected post pregnancy and at times, completely devastated. To be honest, apart from breast-feeding, all the other chores can be and should be equally divided between the parents. And not in just initial few years, both the parents are equally responsible for the upbringing of their child (may it be attending parent teachers meet, attending birthday parties, teaching sports to the kid etc.). We have already started witnessing a positive shift in participation if you compare millennial fathers with baby boomers. But there is still more that needs to be done and this can only happen if women also take equal efforts to break this typecast. Many things are done and followed blindly without really questioning why. Please ask! There is nothing wrong in establishing your self-worth. Women have every right to get an equal shot in climbing up the professional ladder and something, which is just one of the important phases in your life, should not assassinate your ambitions.

Till this date, the choice of remaining single or opting for a divorce is looked down upon by the society, and unfortunately, more so by the women at other women. At the end of the day, it is her choice and her choice alone on how she wants to deal with her life and what decisions are to be made. Just let that person be. Nobody has any right to judge another person for the choices they make in their lives.

I am not even commenting on the grave issues that are prevalent in our society such as rape, dowry, female foeticide, low literacy etc. India was ranked as low as 87 out of 144 countries, on the annual Global Gender Gap Index by Geneva-based World Economic Forum in 2016. But let’s not get into that. Even in the most progressive and educated communities, there are still many basic disparities that need to be corrected. I want all women out there to reclaim their power and ambition. There are so many powerful Indian role models to learn and get inspired from, such as Manisha Girotra, Zia Mody, Indra Nooyi, Chanda Kochar and many others, who have managed to create a successful work-life balance without compromising on their dreams. Unless there is an attitude change in the society towards women and in the women about themselves, merely providing them with legal and constitutional rights is going to be derisory. We can only assert that women are empowered when we can solve these disparities and create true gender equality. It is only when we start having such outlook and attitudinal shift in urban areas, that we can expect a part of it to spread to other rural areas. Let us work towards bringing this change!

TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT..OR NOT!

How important is it for one to feel happy? And, how do we define happiness? In psychology, happiness is defined as a mental or emotional state of well-being which can be defined by, among others, positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. However, do we really feel contented by happiness alone? And for how long does that sense of contentment last?

When we think about feeling happy, we imagine life as pleasant and easy, without any hurdles, without any troubling events and being in good health all the time. That would be perfect, wouldn’t it? We correlate happiness with achieving whatever we want in life. But we don’t really feel happy for a long time even after we achieve that, because the definition of happiness in our minds changes until then. Happiness isn’t a feeling that lingers but only an emotion which is very short term and somewhat present-centred in nature. Let’s talk about moments that make us happy: Good marks? Promotion? Adventure? Travel? Delicious food? Amazing party? But all of these are temporary and the feeling of happiness evaporates before we know it. People around us insist on living in the present, feeling happiness and seeking pleasures in smaller moments, making time for fun and fantasies – because who knows how long one is going to live. Which I agree to some extent but the problem is, when we chase happiness too much, it tends to bring a feeling of emptiness, an internal confrontation of what are we doing with our lives and a sense of dissatisfaction over a period of time.

The question then is do we chase such present centred happiness or we embrace life as it is, with all its emotions. Is feeling miserable or stressed or anxious, necessarily a bad thing? Why not accept these as building blocks and focus on chasing the meaning or finding the direction or purpose in life instead? Let’s think of it this way. What ultimately drives us is what makes us really happy and adds meaning to our lives and meaning, is more enduring. It is derived from effort, sacrifice and giving. We may not be really looking out for negative and difficult events in our lives, but these really shape us as a person and add substance to who we are as individuals. Traumatic experiences that one goes through build character and help us understand ourselves and others better. Most of the times our traumatic experiences in life, may it be health related, work related, relationship related or otherwise, act like a wake-up call for us, on how we treat people, how we treat ourselves, our unforeseen strengths and weaknesses and much more. For a while, we may feel disheartened, depressed, failed even. But our ability to accept and cope up with these situations makes us feel more confident and contented about ourselves. So it is not necessary to always chase happiness, it is okay to feel sad, it is okay to fear and it is okay to feel angry. When we are able to stitch together such past events to our present situation and our anticipation of future, it adds meaning to our lives and makes us resilient. The flip-side to this is people who chase meaningful lives may also endure more stress given they are constantly thinking about their future, however, that does not necessarily mean they are not satisfied with how they are presently leading their lives. But that stress is also what drives us and I would say, to some extent, it’s needed.

Multiple books and psychology studies suggest meaningfulness is associated more with being a giver rather than a taker i.e. serving others, which most of us associate with our work. We feel we are working towards a greater good through our work and that gives us a sense of contentment and meaning. But somewhere within, we are still wondering, if this is it or there is more to what we could achieve and find a better purpose in life, and this constant thinking continues until one finds a satisfactory answer. That desire to achieve something for oneself or others, maybe it is love or work, adds meaning to our lives, drives us, makes us feel really satisfied and is the reason we would never let go of our lives easily. In my opinion, we should thus balance our present moments of happiness with sense of direction and meaning in lives, because short term happiness without any meaning, is very self-centred in nature and that feel good factor doesn’t last very long.

In one of his best-selling book, Man’s search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl writes this which makes complete sense:

“A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the “why” for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any “how”.”

Though I do not completely negate living in the moment, but I don’t think that alone helps in feeling really contented and satisfied in life, and maybe people should stop exaggerating how important it is to live in your present. We need to balance the both, such that the stress from finding meaning and worrying about the future is balanced by happiness derived from such small moments. But never should our pursuit of happiness outweigh our sense of meaning in lives.

Mischief managed!

Have you ever been in a situation where you got no clue how to get out of it? Have you ever repeatedly thought how foolish you acted and things you could have done differently?

Well, this was the 5th day of Sandakhphu Trek (April 15th). We had a trail of short gradual descents and level field walk from Sabargram to Phalut and thereafter a long descend of 14kms towards Gorkhey planned for the day. Looked like a long day ahead (even longer in my case..you’ll shortly know why :P). After some 7kms, we reached a small guest house from where we need to climb the hillock on our left to reach the peak of Phalut. It was only a half an hour climb and from that point one can get the closest 180 degree panoramic view of the Himalayan peaks and then return back to the guesthouse for heading Gorkhey. We were unfortunate to view the same from Sandakphu due to unexpected hailstorm, I thought this would be my last chance to get a glimpse of the mesmerizing ranges.

With that gusto in our hearts, a jacket and hiking pole in our hands and a DSLR camera as well in my case, we started the short ascend. It was a fun climb, we were chattering and in no time did we reach the peak. However, to our disappointment again, the sun was too bright and we couldn’t view the ranges.  But oh boy, we felt so relaxed just laying down under the sun. And that’s when my phone rings and we realise there is network here. My dad had called, he was worried whether we were affected by Darjeeling earthquakes, but was relieved to know that everyone was perfectly alright. That’s when all started calling their families and informing about their well-beings. Few people started descending towards the guesthouse. Delectable maggi was awaiting us below. Only handful of people were left then. I handed over my phone to one of them as he was unable to connect to his network and told these guys that, “I will start walking, you guys will anyways catch up” (I was actually hungry and couldn’t wait for everyone to finish their call sessions. For once, if I could have controlled my food swings!!). Well well well. Little did I know what trouble I am getting myself into?

Getting slightly technical here. So the place where we were resting, there were around 4 mountains (or say, 4 routes) for descending from that point – 2 headed towards Nepal and the other 2 India. I started descending on one of the mountains – and within 15 minutes I realise to my horror that am on the wrong route. I climbed uphill to that point again to check if my friends haven’t left, I can tag along with them. But guess what – when your fate decides to play dirty, it plays real dirty. My friends had left and I couldn’t see them anywhere in the vicinity. Well, then what next, my overtly smart brain thinks let’s try descending the other mountain (let’s call it Mountain no. 2) that looks more like the one we climbed (Disclaimer – When you are descending the mountains, you don’t get a holistic view of the trail – so even if it’s not the correct one, you will recognize it only once you start descending). Okay so on this Mountain no. 2, after heading downhill for nearly 10 minutes, I realised it’s much steeper. I was constantly shouting my friends’ names to the best my voice can be stressed, but no response to my dismay. I thought I would just save up my energy instead – it doesn’t look like my best day. To complement the adventure, there were still some hailstones concentrated in some areas which made it a little slippery. I knew this is again not the correct one as there were definitely no hail stones when we climbed up and simultaneously, cursed myself on how could I fail to recall which route we came from. But trust me, after some 30 minutes, all mountains looked the same. Everything around me appeared quite confusing (as if am wandering in the Triwizard Maze plus Harry’s courage minus Cedric’s intelligence:P).

I again climbed uphill (was dead tired by now but I refused to admit that). There were some tourists from Nepal, whom I asked if they knew which the correct way for descending was. But they had arrived from a different route altogether, nonetheless, they did not understand what I was saying. Now there were 2 options left – there was one on extreme left (Mountain no. 3) and other one (Mountain no. 4) was somewhere in between.  I thought I will take Mountain no.3 as it appeared a tad familiar but a gang of hippie guys were gathered there with a jeep parked nearby, boogying with loud music on. They sort of waved at me and were grinning ear to ear. I thought maybe going through that route might invite unknown trouble (actually that was the right way!!! but hard luck – maybe should have turned down the risk-averse person within me or maybe not). So I took Mountain no. 4. Although it didn’t seem like a known route, I believed that it would still culminate somewhere closer to the guesthouse, and I better reach that point before it gets dark as there was no sound of familiar voice yet. So I started descending. It was steep but I carried on. Thanks to the hiking pole and trekking shoes, there was amazing grip even in those steep ranges. Guess what, panic hadn’t settled in yet and was descending slowly, singing ‘See you again’!! I was in my own zone. For a moment I thought, maybe I would be lost and I won’t meet my trek mates. Maybe by the time they realize am missing, it would start getting dark. But never did I think that there is a threat to life. It’s just a long journey. Until…..

While I was descending at my own sweet speed, I suddenly saw a herd of yaks heading towards me. I remembered some of these yaks fighting aggressively while we were climbing this hillock. There were 5-6 of them – all heading in my direction. Okay I declare that’s when I got little scared. But I never knew the power of this awesome weapon that I possessed – my hiking pole. When they came close to me, I just banged my hiking pole on the ground – once, twice, thrice. And all of them ran in the opposite direction. I felt like Harry when he successfully performs the Patronus charm for the first time and scares all dementors away. I started descending again – was quite hungry by now and dead tired (would have been nearly 1.5 hrs but I had no track of time). And the guesthouse seemed like light years away (wasn’t visible at all!!). That camera hanging on my neck was another pain – wish I could just throw it away somewhere. But there was hope, and going ahead seemed like the only logical step.

That’s when I heard a bleak sound calling ‘Pooja’. I immediately looked around – I saw someone on the peak waving at me. I had descended enough to not clearly make out who that person was. But he had a small frame and was wearing a cap and instantly I recognized him – my saviour, Buddhaji (our beloved tour guide). He couldn’t see me as I was standing behind a huge rock. He shouted asking me to come on the peak. But I was so done with the uphill-downhill sessions on those ranges. I shouted back requesting him to come where I am and lead the way from here. Given the rock-star he was, he reached there in 10 minutes. I was so happy to see him, it’s difficult to describe in words. Never before in my life have I sobbed out of happiness – that was the euphoria moment for me. He just said, “Don’t worry. Now I am here, so you are safe”. I knew everything is sorted now.

He was smart enough to bring a pack of biscuits with him given how hungry I was. So we started our way from there to the guesthouse. That’s when I realized I was on a completely wrong route and somewhere in middle of Nepal. Jeez. And that route which I decided not to take to avoid some hippies was actually the correct one. Oh my. He carried my camera as well and we walked slowly on the right trail. He kept up with my slow pace as I was so worn-out – suddenly all the climbing was hitting me. But I kept on and on. He clicked some pictures on the way of stunning scenery which I had stopped bothering about. I just wanted to reach the guesthouse, sit and relax.

It took another 30 minutes to reach the guesthouse. When we were 5 minutes away from guesthouse, we met some of my trek mates who were looking for me. When I hugged them and saw the sense of relief in their eyes, I realized my trek mates are more like my family now in these mountains. Most of them were headed in different directions to find me. Then Ankit, our trek leader, arrived there and handed me a bottle of water, asking me to explain what happened. Now I had turned sissy and couldn’t help weeping while describing it to him. Then we all went up to the guesthouse and I felt so blissful seeing everyone again. Neither of them had eaten anything for so long and were waiting for me to return. Really some of the best set of people you could find. Ankit had even informed the military camp nearby and that officer dropped by to give me a piece of advice: “When you are on a trek, you should always stick together, not wander alone” (Of-course, I have learnt my lesson by now!!). We all had maggi thereafter (to be honest, Maggi was responsible for the whole episode!!). There was another 14-15 kms of descend awaiting us. But I had already completed my share of descend for that day.

So we started descending. One of them offered to carry my bag and despite my resistance, he wouldn’t listen and carried it until the very end. I think I never thanked him enough for that. Honestly, this is solely the reason why I was able to complete descend for the day given all my strength was consumed on my small adventure trip before.

After a while, when I became less sensitive to the whole scene, all the jokes were on me. Well, that was pretty much expected. They sang a Koi Mil gaya version of the song called ‘Pooja mil gayi’ (miserable adaptation of that song but lightened me up) on the way. After few more hours of descend, and just blindly dragging my feet, the day finally ended. We reached Gorkhey village where delicious Momos awaited us.

It is obviously one of the dumbest but unforgettable day of my life. I still don’t know whether my course of actions were right or wrong, but I don’t wish to judge. Of-course, the first day instruction by Ankit was whenever you get lost on the trek, just stay where you are. Then why did I keep walking. Maybe heading on that route surrounded by those weird-looking guys didn’t seem right and taking an alternate route seemed prudent. Or maybe I was just fretting over it. I prefer not to deliberate on that and pat myself for not freaking out in such situation. Panic could have made me attempt running away from yaks and end up tripping, keep sobbing and get all dehydrated, etc. Maybe something we should practice in our routine but we don’t. In any stress scenario, our over-active brain starts creating irrational thought processes based on completely fictitious ideas, premises and images. Maybe it’s because we have stopped connecting with our inner self, we surrender to this mundane world once we are back in our routine. Let not these muggles bring us down and stay connected with our magical selves!!